Wishes Based on My... Extensive Research
These messages prove you’ve been doing your homework. They show that you know not just what they want, but *why* they want it, based on your tireless "data collection."
1. Based on my review of your search history, I hope you get that ridiculously expensive coffee machine you’ve been looking at every day for the past three weeks. You deserve it.
2. My sources (the barista you talk to every morning) tell me you've been stressed. I wish you a day with no responsibilities, a fully charged phone, and a delivery driver who arrives early.
3. After analyzing the 47 minutes you spent staring at the dessert menu last Tuesday, my wish for you is an endless supply of tiramisu and zero calories.
4. According to page 84 of my detailed notes on your life, your ultimate dream is to have a library with a rolling ladder. I hope that, and every other oddly specific dream, comes true for you.
5. I overheard you telling your dog you wish you could just nap for a living. While I can’t grant that (yet), I do wish you the most glorious, uninterrupted nap today.
6. My field research indicates your favorite sweater has a hole in it. I wish for you the perfect replacement, or a magical sewing kit, whichever would bring you more joy.
7. The crumpled-up list I "found" in your recycling bin had "inner peace" written on it. Of all the things I want for you, that's at the top of my list, too.
Sweet Wishes Disguised as Vague Threats
Nothing says "I love you" like an instruction you can't refuse. This is for when you want your affectionate wish to land with a comedic, slightly menacing thud.
1. You WILL have an amazing birthday. Don't make me come over there and force you to celebrate.
2. I wish you all the success in the world. And trust me, you're going to accept it, whether you like it or not.
3. Listen to me very carefully. Have a wonderful, relaxing, perfect day. There will be consequences if you don't. (The consequences are hugs).
4. I hope all your wishes come true. It would be a real shame if something happened... like them *not* coming true. A real shame.
5. I've gone to a lot of trouble to wish you happiness. Don't let my efforts be in vain.
6. Enjoy every single second of your special day. I'll know if you don't.
7. I demand that you get everything you want. This is not a request.
8. I better not see a single frown on your face today. I'm watching. And I'm wishing you a ridiculously happy day.
Messages That Sound Like They Were Sent From Inside the House
For when you want to be close. Uncomfortably, hilariously close. These wishes are perfect for your bestie or partner who appreciates a good horror trope turned into a joke.
1. The spider in your shower and I were just talking, and we both agree you deserve a fantastic day.
2. Wishing you a happy birthday from my favorite spot! (Your closet. It has a great view of the TV).
3. I noticed you’re out of milk. My wish is for a fully stocked fridge and a day so good you forget how weird it is that I know that.
4. From under your bed, I just want to say I hope you have the most peaceful and wonderful night's sleep.
5. The dust bunnies and I have formed a committee, and we’ve all voted for you to have an incredible year. The motion passed unanimously.
6. Hope you have a great day at work! Your left shoe is untied, by the way.
7. Is that a new candle? Smells great in here. Oh, and also, I hope you achieve all your goals for this year!
From Your Personal Surveillance Team
Frame your wish as an official, highly professional report. It adds a layer of bureaucratic absurdity to your obsessive affection.
1. SUBJECT: Birthday Wishes. STATUS: Delivered. Our field operative (you) is cleared for a full 24-hour cycle of celebration. All assets are directed to ensure your happiness.
2. Per our 24/7 monitoring, your happiness levels have been tracking slightly below optimal. Our primary directive today is to get those numbers up. Mission: Your perfect day.
3. This is your official dispatch: The package (a boatload of good wishes) has been deployed and is en route to your location. Acknowledge receipt by having a great day.
4. Our data shows a 98.7% probability that today will be awesome for you. We've taken measures to ensure this outcome. You're welcome.
5. A security alert from the perimeter: an unauthorized amount of fun is headed your way. We've decided to stand down and let it happen.
6. After reviewing the overnight footage, we've determined you deserve a promotion, a vacation, and a pony. We've forwarded our recommendation to the universe.
7. This is your handler. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to have a fantastic time. This message will self-destruct after you smile.
Cryptic Wishes to Make Them Smile (and Look Over Their Shoulder)
Sometimes, less is more. These short, weird, and wonderful messages are perfect for a quick text that will leave them confused, amused, and feeling deeply cared for.
1. The crow on the wire agrees with me. You’re the best. Hope your wish comes true.
2. They’re on to us. Have a great birthday anyway.
3. The plan is in motion. Step one: you have an amazing day.
4. Don’t look now. But your future is looking incredibly bright.
5. I left the good vibes where you'll find them. (Check your coat pocket).
6. The transaction is complete. Your account has been credited with one (1) perfect day.
7. The universe left you a message. It said you’re overdue for something wonderful.
### Personalize Your Peculiar Proclamation
The best "stalker" wishes are the most specific. Use these templates as a starting point, but the real magic comes from adding a detail that only you would know. Mention that weird snack they love, a line from a show only you two have watched, or a secret dream they whispered to you once. It transforms a funny, creepy message into a testament to your unique, wonderful, and slightly weird bond. Go on, be the Stalker Wish Granter they deserve.