What Can I Wish With a Monkey’s Paw? A Reddit-Inspired Guide to Perfectly Twisted Desires
Welcome, brave soul, to one of fiction's most tantalizing and terrifying thought experiments. You've stumbled upon a Monkey's Paw—or at least the idea of one—and you're wondering, "What should I wish for?" It's a question that’s less about getting what you want and more about the creative, ironic, and often horrifying consequences of a poorly worded wish. The subreddit r/TheMonkeysPaw has turned this dark art into a community pastime, where the cleverness of the wish is just as important as the curse it invites.
Making a wish on a Monkey's Paw is like writing a greeting card to Fate itself, knowing full well it will be read with malicious glee. The goal isn't necessarily to "win," but to pose a fascinating problem. You're not just asking for a million dollars; you're crafting a riddle for a malevolent genie. This guide will provide you with a treasure trove of ideas, categorized to inspire the most brilliantly cursed wishes imaginable.
The 'Airtight' Lawyer-Approved Wishes
These are the wishes for those who think they can outsmart the paw. They are meticulously worded, filled with clauses and sub-clauses, all in a valiant but ultimately futile attempt to close every loophole. The fun is in seeing which single overlooked word becomes your undoing.
1. I wish to receive one million US dollars, deposited legally into my personal checking account, with all taxes and fees prepaid by an anonymous, legitimate, and untraceable benefactor who will face no negative consequences from this gift.
2. I wish for the ability to teleport instantly to any location I have previously been to, with my current clothing and possessions, without any physical harm or temporal displacement to myself or the destination.
3. I wish for a perfectly ripe, delicious, and nutritious avocado to appear on my kitchen counter every morning at 8:00 AM, without it being stolen from anyone or causing any agricultural or economic disruption.
4. I wish to be in peak physical health, as defined by the top 1% of humans my age, with this state being maintained without any change to my diet, exercise, or lifestyle, and without accelerating my aging process.
5. I wish that my dog could speak perfect English and understand human concepts, but that he only uses this ability to communicate with me, retains his lovable dog personality, and feels no existential dread from his newfound consciousness.
6. I wish to possess a universal key that can unlock any single physical lock I hold it up to, but it cannot be used for any illegal purpose or to access any location without the owner's implied consent (e.g., my own front door is fine, a bank vault is not).
7. I wish for an extra hour to be added to my day, placed between 2:00 AM and 3:00 AM, during which only I am awake and productive. This time is my own, and the world resumes at 3:00 AM as if no time has passed.
The Deceptively Simple and Mundane Wishes
Sometimes, the most terrifying curses come from the smallest requests. These wishes seem so harmless, so minor, that you almost feel silly for using a cosmic power to grant them. Their inevitable corruption is what makes them so chilling.
1. I wish my phone battery was always at 100%.
2. I wish I never hit a red light while driving.
3. I wish my keys were always in the first place I look for them.
4. I wish I could always find a perfect, close parking spot.
5. I wish my coffee was always the perfect temperature to drink.
6. I wish that whenever I reached into my pocket, I'd pull out the exact change needed for my purchase.
7. I wish my internet connection would never lag or drop.
8. I wish I would stop getting spam and robocalls.
9. I wish my socks would never lose their match in the laundry.
10. I wish this bag of chips was full to the top.
The Grand, Altruistic 'For Humanity' Wishes
You want to save the world, you noble hero. The Monkey's Paw loves an idealist. These wishes are grand in scope and pure in intention, making their catastrophic backfiring all the more epic and tragic. The road to hell is paved with these.
1. I wish for a permanent end to all war and armed conflict on Earth.
2. I wish for a magical cure for all forms of cancer to be discovered tomorrow.
3. I wish for all the world's oceans to be instantly cleansed of human-made pollution and plastics.
4. I wish for a solution to climate change that will reverse global warming within ten years.
5. I wish that no human would ever have to suffer from hunger or thirst again.
6. I wish for every person on Earth to feel genuine empathy for one another.
7. I wish to eliminate all prejudice and bigotry from the human heart.
8. I wish that all corrupt politicians would be peacefully and legally removed from power.
The Meta and Fourth-Wall-Breaking Wishes
For the truly creative and self-aware. These wishes play with the very concept of the Monkey's Paw, the act of wishing, and the Reddit community itself. They are an attempt to change the rules of the game from the inside.
1. I wish this Monkey's Paw had a detailed, easy-to-read instruction manual explaining all its rules and loopholes.
2. I wish that for my next wish, the paw would grant my intention rather than my literal words.
3. I wish that the negative consequence of my wish would only affect the person who comments with the top-voted "Granted" on my Reddit post.
4. I wish for a new, unused Monkey's Paw with five wishes instead of three.
5. I wish that this wish would have no negative consequences whatsoever.
6. I wish to know what my first two wishes would have been if I hadn't used my first wish on this.
7. I wish the Monkey's Paw would lose its powers and become a normal, mummified monkey's paw.
8. I wish I could see the alternate timeline where I didn't make this wish.
The Personal Improvement and Skill-Based Wishes
Who doesn't want to be a little bit better? A little smarter, more talented, more charismatic. These wishes are deeply personal, which means the paw has an intimate playground to wreak havoc in. The curse won't just be something that *happens* to you; it will become a part of you.
1. I wish I could speak, read, and write fluently in any language I hear.
2. I wish I had the motivation and discipline to work out for one hour every single day.
3. I wish I could instantly master any musical instrument I touch.
4. I wish I no longer had social anxiety and could talk to anyone with confidence.
5. I wish I had a perfect photographic memory.
6. I wish I could paint and draw like a Renaissance master.
7. I wish I could understand complex mathematics and physics with ease.
8. I wish I could eat whatever I want without gaining any weight or suffering negative health effects.
9. I wish I could finish any book I start reading in a single hour.
### A Final Word of Warning
Now that you're armed with ideas, the rest is up to you. The beauty of the Monkey's Paw is in its infinite, cruel creativity. Feel free to take these wishes, twist them, and make them your own. The perfect wish is one that feels personal to you, making the inevitable twist a truly delicious horror. Post it, see what fate the community devises for you, and remember the first rule of the Monkey's Paw: be careful what you wish for. You just might get it.