### Keyword Analysis
- Keyword: "ive never wished a man dead"
- Core Concept: This is a famous, witty quote by Mark Twain, completed with "...but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure." It expresses a feeling of profound relief and quiet satisfaction at the departure or downfall of a disliked person, without resorting to genuine malice.
- Occasion: The "occasion" is situational and not a traditional celebration. It's for the departure of a difficult colleague, a tyrannical boss, a rival, an ex-partner, or any antagonist whose absence is a cause for celebration. This could be a retirement, a resignation, moving away, or simply exiting one's life.
- Tone: The tone is sharply witty, sarcastic, humorous, and passive-aggressive. It’s intelligent and biting, celebrating a "good riddance" moment with a sense of clever restraint and schadenfreude.
- Recipient: The message is typically not for the person leaving. Instead, it’s for a co-conspirator—a work bestie, a friend, a sibling, or anyone who shares your relief and dark sense of humor. The article, therefore, provides messages to share with an ally.
### Invented Categories
1. For the Love of Twain: Witty Farewells Inspired by the Master (Directly plays on the original quote)
2. Passive-Aggressive Professionalisms: For the Office 'Goodbye' Card (Messages with corporate-speak subtext)
3. Toasting the New Era: Celebrating the Peace and Quiet (Focuses on the positive future without them)
4. Sweet as Poison: Sarcastically Kind Messages (Kills them with kindness that's clearly fake)
5. For Your Work Bestie's Eyes Only: Texts of Pure Relief (Short, snarky, and brutally honest messages to share in private)
We’ve all been there. A colleague, boss, or general thorn-in-your-side announces their departure, and the feeling that washes over you isn't sadness, but a wave of profound, unabashed relief. While you may not be throwing a parade in their honor (at least not publicly), the moment calls for a certain kind of acknowledgement—one that's more about celebrating the newfound peace than mourning the loss. The great Mark Twain perfectly captured this feeling: "I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure."
This guide is for those moments. It’s for when you need to sign the group card, text your work bestie, or simply find the words to articulate your quiet joy. Here are over 40 witty, sarcastic, and cleverly crafted messages for when you're thrilled to see someone go, inspired by the spirit of that famous quote.
For the Love of Twain: Witty Farewells Inspired by the Master
These messages pay homage to the original quote, perfect for someone who appreciates literary wit and a classic, biting remark.
1. I've never wished a man dead, but I have already scheduled a "strategic visioning session" for Monday in his old office.
2. I’ve never wished a man dead, but I am suddenly feeling very much alive.
3. Let's just say I've never wished anyone ill, but I am looking forward to reading the next chapter with great interest.
4. As a wise man said, "I've never wished a man dead..." But I won't deny I’ve felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if a million tensions suddenly cried out in relief and were suddenly silenced.
5. I'd never wish a man dead, but I did just buy a lottery ticket, because it feels like my luck has finally turned.
6. Keeping with tradition, I have not wished him dead. I have, however, written a truly glowing recommendation for his new employer.
7. I would never wish a man dead, but my therapist will be delighted to hear about this "organizational restructuring."
8. I've never wished a man dead, but I am suddenly inspired to bake a cake. A very, very large cake.
Passive-Aggressive Professionalisms: For the Office 'Goodbye' Card
When you have to be diplomatic on paper, these messages are your best friend. They’re perfectly professional on the surface, with a delicious layer of subtext.
1. Your impact on this office is truly indescribable. Wishing you the best.
2. The office won't be the same without you. We are all looking forward to that.
3. Wishing you all the success you so richly deserve in your next role.
4. Your contributions have been... memorable. All the best for the future.
5. It’s been a unique experience working with you. May your future endeavors be equally unique.
6. Thank you for everything you've taught us. We’ve learned so much about resilience.
7. We’ll strive to maintain the standards you set. It will be an interesting challenge.
8. Your presence here will be missed. By some, I'm sure.
9. Good luck in your new venture. They have no idea what they're getting.
Toasting the New Era: Celebrating the Peace and Quiet
Focus on the positive! These messages celebrate the bright, productive, and wonderfully peaceful future that awaits.
1. Here’s to a new chapter of peace, productivity, and not having to mute ourselves on Zoom to sigh.
2. I’m not celebrating that they’re gone. I’m celebrating that we’re still here. Cheers to us!
3. I feel a sudden urge to open a window and let the fresh air in. Congratulations to us on this new beginning.
4. Here’s to fewer headaches and more happy hours.
5. Let us all take a moment of silence to appreciate the… silence.
6. To the future! May it be less complicated, less stressful, and a lot more cheerful.
7. I'm so excited for the future of this team. Suddenly, so, so excited.
8. I haven't felt this optimistic about a Monday morning in years.
9. A toast to shorter meetings and longer lunch breaks!
Sweet as Poison: Sarcastically Kind Messages
Drip sarcasm with these sweetly worded farewells that sound kind but carry a sting. The Southern "bless your heart" is the guiding principle here.
1. You were a true character, and you will be… remembered. All the best.
2. May your future be as bright and wonderful as you *always said* you were. Bless your heart.
3. We are so, so happy for you and this incredible opportunity. Just thrilled.
4. You leave such a big hole to fill. We'll need to find someone with your... very specific skill set.
5. It takes a really special person to do what you did here. Truly special.
6. Oh, we'll miss you. We'll just have to find a way to carry on, somehow.
7. Don't be a stranger! Unless, of course, you want to be. Which is fine.
8. You’ve touched so many of our lives. You certainly have.
For Your Work Bestie's Eyes Only: Texts of Pure Relief
These are for your trusted confidant—the person you can be 100% honest with. Fire these off the moment the news breaks.
1. IT HAPPENED. This is not a drill. Code Phoenix is a-go.
2. The witch is dead! I mean… wishing them well in their future endeavors. (Pop the champagne?)
3. My soul just left my body, did a happy dance, and came back.
4. I haven’t felt this light since I paid off my student loans.
5. Ding dong. That is all.
6. Freedom! Meet at the bar in 10? First round's on me.
7. Do you hear that? It's the sound of my blood pressure dropping.
8. Pack your bags, we're going on a guilt-free trip.
9. [Just a GIF of someone dancing ecstatically]
10. We survived. We actually survived.
### A Final Thought
The art of a good farewell is all about knowing your audience. A message you text to your friend is very different from the one you write on the card making its way around the department. Whatever you choose, tweak it to make it your own. The most satisfying goodbye is one that feels authentic to you—even if that authenticity is a quiet, witty celebration of a long-awaited departure. Use these as a starting point, and enjoy your newfound peace